Tuesday, July 24, 2012

reflections on the miracle of life

I realize that this past (almost) year in V's life has contained nothing less than miraculous milestones - his first smile, first crawl, first step, first sound, first teeth.  I can remember his birth (and every moment thereafter) as if it had just happened in this very instant. 

He is our little angel.

Our little miracle.

I try not to get too personal online.  And perhaps this is a little too much information.  But V really is our little miracle.  We never thought we would be able to have him at all.

I don't know if you remember when we first started our blog, but a big reason for starting it was for us to keep in touch about Joe's kidney shenanigans. And it was kind of a dark time, so I don't want to rehash every last detail...but one thing that I wanted to bring up (probably much to Joe's chagrin), is a conversation that his nephrologist had with us in the hospital.

When Joe went to the hospital that every first time, they ended up finding out that he was in the end stages of kidney failure.  His nephrologist came in the hospital room one day and discussed different treatment options including the possibility of dialysis and possibly (eventually) transplantation.  He also told us that one way to significantly slow down his kidney failure before having him start dialysis was going through chemotherapy.  This was a treatment method that the nephrologist wanted to do before Joe left the hospital.  His opinion was that it was extreme (duh!), but that it might do the trick in stopping Joe's immune system from attacking his kidneys any further.  But during the conversation with him, he told us that it was quite possible that we may never be able to conceive a child. 

Imagine my heart and all the blood in it dropping to the floor.

I had always imagined that I would get married and have a child (or two) one day.  So hearing that I might never be able to conceive a baby with Joe was pretty devastating to hear.  Especially since we weren't even married yet.  But the nephrologist suggested that we consult with a fertility center to see if any of the "stuff" could be saved and used later for conceiving a child.

Enter hope.

So, we went to the much recommended Southwest Fertility Center in Phoenix and [sorry, Joe, but I'm gonna say it] we attempted to have some of Joe's "stuff" saved.  But, unfortunately, it was too late.  We were told it wasn't even worth saving.  The chemo had already done it's work. 

Exit hope.

Love definitely conquered all in the end and Joe and I were married the following year.   He was and is my favorite person.  And whatever life threw at us, we were going through it together.  Even if it meant that all we would have together is a dozen beagles (or wolfhounds) running in our future yard.

I would periodically think about having a baby.  And it would sometimes get me down.  But I would try to talk myself out of wanting a baby...trying to remind myself of all of the other things I could do to lead an equally fulfilling life.  So it would always make me cringe a little whenever we would be asked if we were going to have a baby because there was the distinct possibility that it just wasn't in the cards for us.

Then came the afternoon of December 17, 2010. 

I was working that day and planned on going home for lunch to let Lucy out for a bit.  When I was at home, I realized that I was little late in getting my monthly bill.  I had a pregnancy test in our medicine cabinet from a previous false alarm, so decided that I take the test since I had to pee anyway.  I didn't want it sitting in our medicine cabinet anymore.

But then I saw that it was positive.  At first I thought it was a joke.  I couldn't believe it.  But then 8 months later, our bundle of amazingness was born.  And 357 days, 2,856 diapers, 26 pounds, and 10 teeth later, I reflect on just how precious and miraculous life is.

I can not think of how my life would be without either of them in it.

My two miracles:

My life is so blessed.
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