what NOT to ask a pregnant woman

Looking back on my pregnancy, it's interesting to me how much people LOVE pregnant women. I'm not kidding. When people find out you're pregnant it's seriously the most awesome thing in the world to them. People always have such happy things to say when you're pregnant...and they also have a million questions for you as well.

Questions like "How are you feeling?" and "Do you know if you're having a boy or girl?" and "What are you going to name your baby?" are questions you should really get used to when you're pregnant because you will probably hear each of those questions at least a million times a day.

But there are other things people may say to you or ask you that may catch you by surprise. The following is a list of those questions and my reactions to them:

Question/Statement:
"So...is this pregnancy a good thing?"

• How I would have responded if I was mean: No. Absolutely not. It's awful......OF COURSE IT'S A GOOD THING!!!
• My actual response: I seriously have been asked this before by one of the ultrasound technicians at the hospital. I didn't really understand what she was asking at first, but then I realized that she actually probably sees a lot of patients who are NOT happy about having a baby. That makes me a little sad.

Question/Statement:
"Maybe you're having twins!?"

• How I would have responded if I was mean: Well...maybe you should not call me "fat"? Because that's pretty much what you're saying, right? That I look fat enough to be having twins? Nope. That's not twins. That's just one HUGE little butterball and a lot of extra maternal storage tissue, thankyouverymuch.
• My actual response: Nope...just one baby. Not sure if I could handle two.

Question/Statement:
"You look really swollen!"

• How I would have responded if I was mean: Really? Are you sure I'm really swollen? I mean, I didn't notice any swelling when I put on my shoes this morning and could barely squeeze my entire foot into the shoe. And I don't notice any swelling when I stretch my legs and feet and can feel the tightness and strain due to all the bloating. And I certainly don't notice any swelling whenever I cross my legs and see a huge gash from where my leg was resting. And I definitely don't notice any swelling when I look in the mirror. I mean...are you sure I'm really swollen?
• My actual response: Yeah...it totally sucks. My ankles are non-existent now.

Question/Statement:
"You're pregnant? WHAT!? I couldn't even tell!"

• How I would have responded if I was mean: This is pretty much the same as calling me fat. Why? I'll tell you. Firstly, I definitely look pregnant. I mean, I don't normally carry around a belly the size of a watermelon. So, secondly, by saying you can't tell that I'm pregnant, while very nice as a gesture, is pretty much just the same as saying "You look really pregnant, but I'm going to be nice and say that you don't look pregnant at all."
• My actual response: Yep! It's really exciting! Weird...and different. But really exciting!!

Question/Statement:
"Are you really going to eat that whole sandwich/pizza/ice cream?"

• How I would have responded if I was mean: This is pretty much the same as calling me fat, too...and my answer will probably always be "Yes I'm going to eat the whole thing. Do you have a PROBLEM with that?"
• My actual response: Yes I'm going to eat the whole thing. Do you have a PROBLEM with that?

Question/Statement:
"You better enjoy your sleep while you can!"

• How I would have responded if I was mean: Really? And you think I'm enjoying sleep now? With a ginormous belly that prevents me from sleeping in pretty much every position and a bladder that screams to be emptied every hour on the hour? Yeah. Not so much. But thanks for pointing out that I have to look forward to MORE sleeplessness.
• My actual response: Yeah. I'm not sure how that will be, but I'm sure I will not be getting much sleep for awhile.
  

Question/Statement:
"Enjoy your freedom while you can. You know...you can't do _____ with a baby."

• How I would have responded if I was mean: Like heck we can't! We are taking this baby anywhere we want to and doing anything we want to. We will be forming this young little child to our lives, not the other way around. But, once again, thanks for trying to point out something negative about having a child. I really like that. A lot.
• My actual response: Like heck we can't! We are taking this baby anywhere we want to and doing anything we want to. We will be forming this young little child to our lives, not the other way around.
  

Question/Statement:
"Can I touch/rub/kiss your belly?"

• How I would have responded on a bad day: Can I touch/rub/kiss yours? Unless I know you really well and you and me are "tight" like that...don't ask. And speaking of the belly, try not to look at it too much either. I know it's huge. I know it's sticking out there. But when the first thing people do is look straight at my belly fat BEFORE they look at me or say "hi", it's just kind of not cool. I know it's exciting there's a little dude chilling out in my uterus, but my face is up here.
• My actual response: Umm...I would prefer if you didn't. Baby's sleeping right now. :-)
  

Question/Statement:
"How are you feeling?"**

• How I would have responded on a bad day: I'm feeling fine. Well, actually...no I'm not, now that I'm thinking about it. Remember when you told me before how fat I was (when you asked if I was having twins/knew I was so swollen/eating the entire refrigerator/etc.)? Well, yeah...I'm feeling fat. HUGE, actually. And it hurts. I know it's "for a good cause" and I'm "not fat [I'm] pregnant". But it really does hurt. Mostly my knees, actually. So much so that my knees spasm in pain every time I get up or down from a chair/car/bed/floor. And it also hurts because my feet can barely fit into my shoes. Which means: "Yes...I am VERY swollen." And speaking of swelling, did you know that in order to keep swelling down I actually have drink MORE water than normal? This seems kind of ironic since swelling is water retention. But yeah, I'm supposed to drink craploads of water to help keep the swelling from getting worse. Which...yep! You guessed it! Makes me have to pee every hour! It's super fun. Especially when I want to get a good night's sleep but I know that I can't because of how I'm so large, swollen, and filled with pee waiting to explode if I don't get up a million times each night. But the constant peeing is actually not that big of a deal compared to all the gas, acid reflux, hemorrhoids, and stretch marks. I mean, did you know that drinking WATER can give a pregnant lady gas? Yeah...water. And salad can, too. And actually anything that a pregnant lady digests gets turned into gas. An.Y.Thing. And because of all the pressure in the abdomen, bowel movements become less regular and there is so much less space for things, so acid reflux and hemmorhoids are born. And you don't even want me to go into more detail than that. Trust me. So, speaking of gas and hemmorhoids and acid reflux...do you still want to rub my belly and tell me to enjoy sleep and doing things while I can? Yeah. Didn't think so.
• My actual response: I'm feeling fine.

** "How are you feeling?" is actually totally a decent question to ask. I am just being a beotch.